My Head is in My Way


I don’t know how it is with you, but I am usually a positive and motivated person, trying to motivate others to start new projects and if people are back and forth with whether to start something or make it perfect before starting it, I usually encourage them to just start and polish things along the way.

Well … I am the worst person when it comes to doing this to myself. I started a podcast in German language a while ago and got stuck, re-branded the whole thing, since the original name was somehow always something that bothered me (plus the new name just follows the theme I started with beyond tellerrand, Stay Curious and so forth). Now I was motivated to continue, but then I thought “Who is interested in this?” and did not get going until yet. Even though I really want to and am enjoying all the process. It is my head that is in my way.

For the time we are stuck in this damn time with Covid, I am trying to start a membership program. Some way where people could help keeping beyond tellerrand alive even in financial critical times – that never really appeared to me until a world wide pandemic hit us. I had a look at various platforms and decided that I like Steady by the sound of it. I was thinking about tiers and how people could benefit from becoming a member or supporting beyond tellerrand in general. Then it got me thinking again: who is interested in this? Is it more work I add to my plate where the plate never is near a situation where it is empty enough to be stuffed again? Would people actually really benefit from anything in those paid tiers? What if people don’t like subscriptions and continuous payments and would prefer a one time payment? Where I usually was really good at, starting things in the first place and then start thinking, I am bad at now. Thinking too much. Too much self-doubt and self critique and maybe underestimating the “wealth” of what I have created during the last 20 years. I think, my head is in my way.

I had a conversation with Basti recently and we spoke about things I can do, things I have on a list to be started and how to use the time and things I do in between the events usefully. He said something about a YouTube idea, where he could see me and what I do. I loved the idea, but did I start it until now? My head is in my way again.

And these are just a few examples where my head is in may way. Where I think too much, before actually starting something. For a while I thought I started to become lazy, but no, I am not. I am restless and want to do stuff, but I think too much about it and get angry with myself not getting anything done. The rare times, when I meet people these days and speak about any of the ideas I have, they are encouraging me to do this, since they like the sound of it and the times I speak about it, I think to myself ”Yes, it really sounds nice and I should start.” – the moment I am back at home, sit down and think about, the spark of positive energy and motivation is gone again.

So where is my gut feeling that usually was my driving force behind most of my decisions and always had been stronger than my head? I don’t know. I know that the last two years made my gut feeling weak and my head always arguing that we need to make money, before I can start something that would not make money in the first place. But that is stupid. Nothing I have done was ever about the money in the first place. The last two years have taken away parts of the child in me. The easiness of getting things started, done and out of the way. The lightheartedness of starting something without any fear to fail, since if it fails, I would have just learned another lesson and move on with other stuff.

So, yes, the head is in my way these days, but to end on a positive note, I really also recognised one thing and I am sure I said this before: I love running events and also attending events. I miss it and I miss meeting a lot of people. Speaking to them, listening to them, encouraging them to start things and giving advice, if they ask for it. To learn from their stories and getting advice for myself. I miss it. And therefore I have to fight those darker moments, where I tell myself everything is crap and won’t return to the times pre Covid. I will fight. Definitely. But it costs so much energy that I’d rather use for other things.