Where is my Drive, my Energy?

This morning, I once more had one of the hardest mornings ever. Nothing special actually happened. I got up at 7:30, had a coffee, walked my dog, went to my friend’s house to take care of their cat while they are on holiday and a few smaller things concerning my daughter’s school arrived in my inbox.

But I can’t help that this morning I had this feeling, where I ask myself again, whether it is burnout, depression, self-doubt or everything together.

I am usually pretty good in motivating myself to get things done and to find energy to work on my daily things for the next events. These days it is getting harder and hard. Not just because financial problem that I was talking about already and certainly not, because people are not supporting what I do or don’t like it (the opposite is the case), but because this feeling that everything is getting worse, everybody is struggling and I can’t see how we as humans and how we are are going to change a thing.

I usually easily find things to find hope in and see that not everything is bad and I tell myself “Hey, we are the only ones that can actually change something. Keep spreading positivity and energise people!” But the moments between my positive highs and the lows are getting shorter. And the lows get more intense.

I find more joy in riding my bike, spending time in the band house making music or hanging out with the family on day trips away from where we live instead of turning to my desk and getting shit done. It feels so hard and tough and this morning I had the feeling that I need to write it down somewhere to get it out of my head. Couldn’t find my notebook, which I use in this case from time to time and time went by.

Right after cooking, about an hour ago, I have seen this post by Cécile Dormeau which triggered this again. So, here I am emptying my head to my website. Not publicly, but to the hidden RSS only stream. Just to get it our of my head.

I truly hope that there will be a sign of (positive) change soon. Yes, there are always small ones that you can find, but they don’t charge my batteries at the moment.